What is an Ally?

An ally is someone that advocates for the LGBTQIA+ community. This term includes straight and cisgender allies, as well as those within the LGBTQIA+ community who actively support each other. For example, this could be a gay man who is an ally to a trans woman. bell hooks defines an ally as someone whose activism is a shared project that prioritizes mutual collaboration. Genuine allyship is a lifelong commitment to understanding. 

Right now, supporting the Queer community is paramount. Many, but not all, Queer folks have multiple minority identities where they may feel vulnerable. 

Let me play my own therapist for a moment: What is an Ally? Why is this the question I pose? After all, it’s a question I’m notionally asking myself, even though I mostly know the answer. Now I feel an internal pressure to prove myself or signal “Hey, I’m an ally!!” But as a cis-straight-white woman do I have this clout? Answer: Yes. Because I have multiple privilege identities that can help resist inhumane and unkind forces. Right now, it feels so important, in fact dire, to make spaces for relationships for life and living. And what is involved in allyship (like all relationships) is not to be unscathed. As Audre Lorde says, “When you are afraid to speak, speak anyway.” There is so much work to do, with ourselves and each other. 

To me, this is what allyship looks like. 

Develop Healthy Relationships 

Allyship can start with a conversation. In my life, at work and otherwise, I spend a lot of time talking with Queer people. What I’ve learned is that the more we differ in our experiences, the higher the likelihood for conflict. Conflict is a normal, natural, and expected part of any relationship. Whatever you call it—rupture, offense, misunderstanding, microaggression, and/or aggression-aggression—it can usually be traced back to assumptions. Assumptions are inevitable because they are convenient. Yet, the Queer recipient may feel, at best, inconvenienced by your assumptions. 

Often, we are most concerned about saying the wrong thing. Whether you identify as LGBTQIA+ or not, healthy relationships thrive through experience. Because forgiveness may not be modeled to us, we may hesitate or avoid them altogether. One way I would lead with repair would be to say, “I apologize. My name is Elaine, I identify as she/her. How do you identify and what would you like to be called?” This action may be unique or commonplace. Whatever the reaction, as allies, we should keep our ears to the ground for this type of rupture as an opportunity for repair. Queer people are deserving of the basic respect of getting their name correct. Although getting it wrong is uncomfortable, it demonstrates investment in a healthy relationship. 

Sometimes when we offend, there is also almost a manic reparation of “are you OK?” or “are you sure?” Allyship is also about tolerating our imperfections in these interactions. I’ve learned that when we explore our differences and have the hard conversations—with ourselves and one another—that allows us to gain shared understanding. In our mutual and shared development there is healing and growth. 

Understanding can also be created in conflict by empathizing with the feeling (if not the direct experience). For example, in the last year, I had a baby. Sometimes when I least expect it, someone says, “Congratulations!”, making the assumption that I’m still pregnant because of how they perceive how I look. In that moment I feel a lot of things about myself and that person. But I use this example to understand how quickly a misunderstanding can dredge up painful feelings. 

Allyship can help foster these healthy and secure relationships, relationships that are proven protective factors that mitigate suicide and mental illness for the LGBTQIA+ community. These are just some ways to be an ally I’ve found helpful – and hopefully they can help you, too.