Feelings Are Not Just Feminine: Normalizing Mental Healthcare for Men

While mental health struggles are profoundly individual experiences, historically, men have been less likely to seek professional care than women.

The National Institutes of Health analyzed nine different studies related to men’s willingness to seek help when it comes to their mental health. The conclusion of that study was that men are statistically significantly less likely to seek help for mental health difficulties. We talked to Mark Raspberry, LCPC, a psychotherapist at Sheppard Pratt’s Outpatient Mental Health Clinic in Frederick, to help us understand why. 

A note: while we are looking specifically at men and women in this piece, it is important to recognize that there are many more ways people experience both their gender identity and mental health struggles. For more information or support related to LGBTQ+ perspectives, visit collected resources here.

“In many cultures, mental illness can be especially isolating for men because it isn’t seen as a masculine move to get help. Men tend to suffer in silence,” Raspberry says. “There is a certain vulnerability required for therapy, saying ‘something is not quite right, and I need to talk about it.’ For some men, it is a challenge to be vulnerable enough to talk about their feelings.” 

Changing the status quo  

Changing the reticence many men feel about professional mental healthcare starts in childhood, Raspberry says. “These roots get planted in children; what do the men in my family or my culture do? Changing the messaging starts with changing the modeling,” he explains.

We need to teach boys that feelings are not masculine or feminine—they are human. Boys need to learn and practice feeling words and vocabularies. If you become comfortable recognizing your own emotions and discussing them, talking about those feelings when they become difficult is a much more accessible task. 

As conversations on mental health become more socially acceptable, there is hope that these gendered patterns are changing, Raspberry says. “I often see men who are reluctant to seek help themselves, but not so reluctant for their children to do so.”

And modeling mental healthcare means more than just seeing a therapist yourself—it means seeing more male therapists in the field. “A man might be more comfortable or willing to be vulnerable in front of another man, someone who speaks his language,” Raspberry says. “For that to happen, we need more male therapists.” 

What to look out for

Everyone experiences mental illness uniquely, but men sometimes express these struggles externally through anger and acting out behaviors. Statistically, men tend to use substances more than women do. Men tend to engage in risk-taking behaviors more than women do. Culturally, men can be conditioned to be more aggressive, viewing depression or other mental health struggles as a sign of weakness to be fought off. While a man may certainly lose control or have an angry outburst unrelated to depression, research shows that these behavioral patterns may indicate deeper problems. For some men, anger may be driven by feelings of hurt, failure, and shame. 

If you are concerned about someone in your life, check in on them, Raspberry says. “We need to be able to talk about when things aren’t going well. We know when we’re going through stuff, but we don’t always have that language to communicate with each other and begin to have these conversations. We need to take away the stigma around getting help and admitting that it’s okay to not be okay.” 

“Just being able to start the conversation is really important,” he continues. “You never know who is paying attention. The more we can have these conversations out loud and normalize it, the more likely other men will be to consider getting the help they need.”

What can I do? 

You can never force someone to get help if they don’t want to or don’t think they need it. That first step can be the biggest obstacle. A good way to broach the subject, Raspberry says, is to just ask someone if they want to feel better. Frame the conversation around a positive outcome, instead of the concern you have for them. “Instead of accusing them of not doing well, this more strength-based positive spin can be more effective.” 

If they say yes, they would like to feel better, perhaps follow it up with, “would you be willing to take some steps to feel better?” This can create an opening to suggest resources like Sheppard Pratt’s Outpatient Mental Health Clinics. 

Stigma often dissipates slowly—but each step someone takes toward getting the help they need is a step in the right direction. Culture changes one individual at a time. How can you be part of that change?