Setting boundaries can be challenging and uncomfortable, but they are also what can help you in difficult situations. As we go into the holiday season, it’s a great time to get ahead of protecting your mental well-being.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are limits that we use to define what behaviors and actions are appropriate and accepted in our relationships with others. “Boundaries are limits that you set with other people,” says Kelly Farrish, PhD, LCSW-C, clinical supervisor, Families and Communities. Boundaries can differ from person to person: What may be okay for others may not be okay for you. Setting boundaries defines our expectations of ourselves and others in different kinds of relationships. Boundaries can be set at work, in friendships, relationships, and even with yourself.
Types of boundaries
There are several types of boundaries in relationships, and they often overlap.
- Physical: Your privacy, personal space, and your body
- Emotional: Your right to your own thoughts and feelings without judgment from others
- Time: How you choose to spend your time, at work and at home
The importance of setting boundaries
Setting boundaries for yourself and with others is an important step in establishing self-care and better life balance. Setting boundaries in your personal life allows you to better balance your physical and emotional well-being, while setting boundaries at work can help prevent an unbalanced work environment that may lead to anxiety, resentment, and burnout. “Boundaries are important because they help you better understand how you want other people to treat you,” says Farrish.
“A common misconception is that boundaries are rigid and firm. They can be very loose and fluid, depending on the context and setting,” adds Farrish. By setting and maintaining boundaries in our relationships, the other person has a clear understanding of how to interact with you, helping you feel safe and respected.
Tips for setting boundaries
If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it may feel uncomfortable at first. Farrish recommends starting with reflection. “Understand where the pressure points in your environment are and the context of where you’re trying to set the boundary and why,” explains Farrish.
“You’re not telling people what your expectations are of how they interact with you or how you will interact with them because you’re trying to be mean,” explains Farrish. The goal is to clearly express your needs. Be mindful of your tone, body language, and word choice—they all play a role in how your message is received. It’s also important to remember that clearly stating your needs doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to meet them. It’s about helping others understand what you need to feel safe, respected, or supported.
Next steps
A therapist can help you identify which boundaries are most important for your well-being, explore why they matter, and explain how to set them. Setting boundaries is hard work, but therapy can help.