Protect Your Peace

The winter holiday season can bring a lot of joy, but it can bring other strong feelings as well, such as anxiety, grief, or dissatisfaction. As we launch into the season, it is a good idea to reflect on your expectations about what the holidays mean to you and prepare strategies for coping with feelings when they arise.

Rebekah Hagan, LCSW-C, is a psychotherapist at Sheppard Pratt’s Outpatient Mental Health Center in Frederick. Over the years, she has helped people get perspective on their feelings during the holidays. She shares a number of ways that can help you protect your peace. 

Look at the logistics

First, it’s a good idea to do some planning. “Get out your calendar and mark out what you want or need to do and when. It can help to make your plans a little more concrete instead of having them swarming around in your head,” says Hagan.

This can run the gamut from planning vacation time and making airline reservations to setting aside days to decorate and bake cookies. Having things written down can help, even if they have to move around for unplanned events or invitations.

Building in time for self-care is also important. Stick as closely as possible to your regular schedule of exercise, therapy, healthy eating, and restful sleep, and add those to your calendar. Being well grounded will better prepare you to take on additional holiday tasks and events.

Manage your commitments and expectations 

While you’re thinking about how you want the holidays to unfold, decide which activities and people—including yourself—are most important. Setting boundaries is good. Try not to overcommit your time by accepting every invitation. “It’s okay to say, ‘Let me think about it and get back to you,’ instead of just being a ‘yes’ person,” says Hagan. That includes setting boundaries around your finances, too. Resist the temptation to spend more than you can afford on gifts, travel, or events. 

Avoid comparing yourself to folks on social media who seem to have the “perfect” decorations, feasts, and families. Remember that many influencers do this as a job and are highly motivated to present images that spark appreciation (or outright envy). To keep your stress level down, imagine creating a lovely holiday that is manageable for you. Feel free to build new traditions or have no celebrations at all.

There’s nothing like family

Interacting with family members during a holiday can be extra challenging. However, you can prepare some strategies in advance to help manage uncomfortable feelings. 

One method is to plan to take a time out, advises Hagan. “If you start to get upset or irritated, recognize that you need a break. Take a walk outside, go in a bedroom for a few minutes, or go sit in the car,” she says. You can also bring along a comfort item that can help you restore some calm. This might be a small stone, souvenir, or a photo on your phone that helps you disengage from the drama.

Use mindfulness techniques like deep breathing (breathe in for a count of eight, hold for two, then exhale for eight) or the 5-4-3-2-1 method to help you release some anxiety. Focusing your mind on something soothing may help you regroup.

If you feel a family member is being too harsh, critical, or inappropriate, try to steer the conversation away from troublesome topics by recalling shared interests or memories that are less complicated. 

Sometimes it’s better not to engage too deeply with someone who doesn’t respect your opinions or boundaries, but you can try to make a calm, firm statement that lets a relative know where you stand. 

It may be difficult in the face of all the planning, costs, and expectations, but if possible, try to relax. “One of the things I share with people is to focus on connection over perfection,” Hagan offers. “You’re there to spend time together—and it’s not going to be flawless, but as long as you’re enjoying each other’s company and letting a lot of those other things go, you can live more fully in the present and enjoy making memories.”