Say What?

Parents are so excited when their little one starts talking—being able to identify people, things, and feelings means communication gets clearer. Talking to parents, family, and friends is also how children form their community and way of seeing the world.

One challenge that parents may face, however, is when their kid says something that is socially unacceptable (like swearing), mean, or a downright lie. 

It can help to take a minute to understand why kids may talk this way and how you can teach them to use their words properly.

Sheppard Pratt psychotherapist Rebekah Hagan, LCSW-C, says that it is important to take the child’s age and developmental stage into account when dealing with an outburst or lie. “Two 4-year-olds can be very different in how they perceive the world,” she says. “If one child has something and the other doesn’t, they might see that as ‘unfair,’ in very black-and-white terms. They might have a hard time understanding the context or backstory.” For example, the first child has a special toy because they just came from Grandma’s house. 

Hagan says kids have a lot of ways of expressing themselves—through play or drawing—and not always through conversation. “When kids say outlandish things or have a tantrum, they’re not trying to ruin a day. They are just trying to get some feelings out,” Hagan remarks. 

This can be especially stressful for parents when hurtful words are directed at them. (Parents have feelings that can be hurt, too!) When a kid yells, “I hate you!” it’s hard to put your feelings aside and deal with your child’s. 

Time-out and Checking In

In situations like these, parents have to turn into mini-detectives—not necessarily to find The Truth, but to discover what is happening with their kiddo.

When emotions are strong, a time-out may be the way to go. Make sure your child knows that you are not abandoning them, but that they (and you!) need a little time to settle down. After a few minutes, check back in and help your child get to the root of their feelings.

Lies can be a way to protect their relationship with you. If they did something naughty, a kid may lie so they don’t get in trouble or lose your affection. You should reassure them that although the behavior was not good, it’s better if they tell the truth about it so both of you can share your feelings, and you can forgive or gently correct them.

Lashing out can happen when kids experience strong emotions like anger, shame, or fear. Parents can help by saying something like, “It sounds like you are hurting a lot. Tell me what happened and let’s see if we can fix the problem.” The hardest part of this scenario is setting aside your own hurt feelings, when you may want to demand the child “take it back” or apologize. 

Just remember that the goal is not to “win” the battle but to build trust and help your child grow into someone who can better navigate their feelings within themselves, their family, and out in the world.